Sunday, October 28, 2018

FRIENDS -- CIVILITY -- UNEXPECTED RETIREMENT



Events of this past week cause me to feel I must add this unplanned preface.....

I so long for the day when circumstances in our country, if not the world, reflect a predominance of news related to appreciation of sameness and tolerance, even acceptance, of differences among people as we once seemed closer to striving toward – even just two years ago.   

The tragedy, again, of lives lost -- perhaps the perpetrators of such atrocities believing they've been given license to act so by inciting rhetoric from government leaders who claim they desire unity.  These government leaders  – whose actions and words demonstrate togetherness is only for those who agree with them – continue undermining our nation’s democracy, humanity and freedom in the world.  

Consult Fourth Estate sources documenting truth.

Vote...vote...vote...for civility in government in 2018, 2020 in the U.S.!

Strive for freedoms, and humanitarian values throughout the world.  


CIVIL SOCIALIZATION 


At what point in our lives do we begin to think of individuals we employ to provide us a service as becoming friends?    I received a phone call recently from a younger gal I’d known as someone who provides a service I’ve used regularly for many years. 

She had begun coping with a medical condition a few years earlier, then suddenly reached a status resulting in her immediately having to cease what had become only part time work.  Ultimately, after a year or so, she and her previously retired husband recently moved to another state closer to one of their adult children.   She had long shared with me her hope to do so in their retirement years when each had been healthier. 

They both had to retire earlier than either of them anticipated.   Premature retirement -- as my husband needed to take, then prompting my move to part time earlier in our lives than I planned -- can confront us as a consequence of unexpected circumstances.  I’m always reminded that “life is what happens when we’re making other plans” as they experienced, too.

With her call these years later, the Service Provider friend and I talked for a very long time.  We caught up on all the medical, and some of the more recent adjustments she and her husband were making – the move from their long time home here -- into a retirement community in another State -- at a living level most appropriate for them at this time.  Assessments as to a living setting are determined in such organizational settings but may not be what we anticipated.  

They are finally getting settled, unpacking, determining what items they might need.  Discovering what other items they might have relinquished that they wished now they possessed, or weren't sure whether or not they might still have them.   They also learned packing and shipping resulted in some items accidentally being missent to a different family member. 

Cooking facilities are present in their living quarters, but they can also eat at various on site dining arrangements.   Dressing less casually than we might for meal times at home can be more prevalent in certain facility group dining areas they noted.    Exploring familiar and different interest groups, seeking new social contacts and making new friends attracts their attention now, having left behind all those from their lifetime here. 

During our time together all those years we probably talked about many topics.    We delved into some personal family issues in which we observed having similar experiences.  She said she didn’t enjoy reading books and may have read only one in her life, quite my opposite in that regard, as I overflow with books. 

After once saying she didn’t bother to vote, she did tell me, two national elections ago, that my encouragement had prompted her to vote.  Prior to that she said she counted on her husband to apprise her of political particulars, but I don’t know if that view continued.  I didn’t ask – she didn’t say – but I have a feeling her vote cancelled mine, given what I know about her views.   On the other hand, who knows what may have transpired in the privacy of the voting booth, or on the mail-in ballot.  

Even though our points of view didn’t always agree on numerous topics, especially select social and political issues, our language did not descend into vitriolic rejection, debase into demonizing and/or ragingly condemning each other’s views with disgusting name calling.  Neither did we avoid each other, clinging to discussion with only like-minded people.  Consequently, we were able to engage in freer civil discussion, proving that can occur if allowed and conducted in a reasonable manner.   We also did not cease or inhibit either our business relationship or the developing of this particular type of friendship.     

I also recall my service provider/friend once told me the story of a long time customer with whom she shared some common interests.  They both belonged to individual, but different, social clubs that engaged in a popular sport, though they weren’t competitors.   Given their shared interests her invitation to this customer to join her for one such of her club's events unsurprisingly was accepted.  Later there was an opportunity for that invitation to be reciprocated at the customer's club, but it wasn’t.   Instead, the customer casually mentioned to the service provider, “I make it a rule to never socialize with anyone I employ.” 

Was it a social hierarchy situation prompting this attitude I privately wondered when she puzzled about it later?     The customer also was always very demanding that her appointment schedule's time be rigidly followed.  She would become angry, lecturing at even the slightest time infraction of only a very few minutes.  I’ve since wondered if the customer had a specific unrevealed reason that might explain why she behaved in this manner. 
 
The customer continued to use her services at that same business for several months after that event.  Eventually, the customer did abruptly terminate the service -- a sudden phone call one night to the service provider, saying that “All business arrangements have a time that they must end and so this one has”, with no further explanation offered.

I did, coincidentally, encounter her customer, more of just an acquaintance of mine, at a grocery months later, but we exchanged only hurried greetings in passing.   In the past we often had laughed with, joked and teased our shared service provider.   Many months after that, the sixties-aged customer/woman’s obituary revealing cancer, appeared in our local newspaper.   Perhaps her health situation at the time explains her earlier attitude. 

Certain professions likely might best minimize personal friendships.  Other services might be more adaptable to them.  Customer’s and service provider’s personal relationship in any event can be complicated.  

What are your thoughts or experiences about service providers as friends, socializing, or even discussing opposing views about social and political issues with them?  

34 comments:

  1. My sister-in-law and her daughter with severe MS, who lived together, had many service people in the medical community coming and going to help with caregiving and nursing. The companies that employed them always told my SIL and niece not to get too friendly or personal with those who came to the house. But they didn't follow that advice and they got burned a couple of times. Once they got too involved in a caregivers problems and loaned her $2,000 that never got back and she quit working for them shortly after the loan. They let it go because they were embarrassed to tell anyone what they did.

    I think your service-person-turned-friend is rare. But when you spend a lot of time with someone, if you have things in common and you are both on equal footing, I don't see how you could avoid becoming friends...breaking the social hierarchy between employer and employee.

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    1. We’ve only socialized at the business (not health care) other than a few phone calls through the years, but generally prompted by work since enjoying the kinds of activities, even many movies types we don’t share. Being interested in and caring about one another’s welfare is true of several of the others working there including the gal with me now. She was asked and accompanied another customer who wanted a companion on a cruise and paid her way. Perhaps the type of service can be a factor, but clear lines of understanding would need to be agreed upon, I would think.

      There is a professional distance health care workers, for example, are instructed to maintain. Can also be very wise for those they serve to draw a line limiting involvement. Too many boundaries crossed in the situation you describe — red flags flying there.

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  2. I am wary of discussing political views with all but my closest friends. I would never with someone working on say our plumbing or casual acquaintances. It's a turbulent time and I've been unfriended by those from the far right and far left because my views are in the middle. I am more open to those who disagree with me but that might go with being a moderate. I can't imagine unfriending someone in social media unless they were threatening-- that's happened to me though when I saw the threats and blocked the person as well as unfriended. In our local, rural community, I don't know the political views of any of the neighbors. I know more about who goes to church; but if they don't proselytize, it's yet to cause a problem that I don't. I sure don't share my spiritual views-- I'd be lucky if that didin't turn bad as some out here were furious when the Renaissance Faire came to one of the local farms.

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    1. I think we have to feel our way with people as to the topics open for discussion, especially those with whom we may have contact otherwise. Never heard of objections to a Renaissance Faire.

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    2. they considered it occult and videotaped all the vehicles entering... not sure what that was intended to do. Another out here, above them, would shoot off his shotgun regularly to intimidate those at the events. People get some odd ideas.

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    3. That occult association is a curious idea — also concerning they use guns in such a manner.

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    4. Well, this is gun country but it was a shotgun, which means no real risk below-- just annoying noise.

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    5. I’ve never attended a Renaissance Faire but your comment prompted me to search for any relationship to the occult and was surprised to find there is a connection via magic as I read here:
      http://www.lunalunamagazine.com/dark/on-occult-fantasy-championing-the-body-at-the-renaissance-festival

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    6. mostly this one is about sword play, a joust with horses and done for humor, belly dancing, blacksmiths creating metal art, and then lots of booths selling clothing, food, etc. I don't have an interest in it although I have gone. Many of the people going dress up in medieval clothing-- part of the fun. One time I saw a fortunetelling booth but don't recall many visiting it.

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    7. They have them here at least yearly and know some who regularly enjoy going. What you wrote is what had been described to me and appears in our news or various special features— basically life in the Middle Ages.

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  3. Oh, this is a sad post. I am so sorry for both individuals. I, too, have problems dealing with people, even relatives. I generally feel that it is what it is. I just keep to myself and don't socialize with negative people, no matter who they are. Fortunately, my husband and I get along fairly well. We have been married for 38 years.

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    1. That was a curious reaction from the woman after accepting her invitation, but perhaps a cancer diagnosis about which she wanted to be secretive entered into the picture. Her statement did seem strange, contradicting her action.

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  4. Unless I am sure where I and they stand, I never discuss social or political matters even with family. It can divide irreparably in a hurry.

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    1. Really touchy topics, especially now.

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  5. And our VP says that rhetoric isn't the cause of the chaos. Oh Please.
    I find that my 11 years of working at the shop didn't make me any long lasting friendships. My newest volunteer position seems to be opening everyone up. :)

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    1. Words do matter, but amazing to me how many people will follow those leaders behaviors without maintaining there own behavioral guidelines. We do have to take care in the workplace what we say sometimes in the interest of maintaining working relationships.

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    2. But basic manners and kindness were with us only two years ago.

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  6. I have never employed a friend in the manner you describe, primarily because the most likely individual that would fit the bill is one of my oldest and best friends who just happens to be a dentist. We have been as close as brothers since 5th grade and have gone through periods characyerized by decidedly less than civil communication but that was always short-lived. He is the kind of guy who jumped on a [plane with two other friends and flew to Texas just to be with me when my wife passed away. That type of civility is rare these days.

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    1. Yes, I think those kinds of relationships are probably few and far between — possibly established over a long period of time as you describe.

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  7. I have a good friend who has become good friends with her manicurist. They seem to have a very balanced relationship outside of the salon. Incidentally, my brother has a long-standing gig window cleaning at the manicurist's house. I accompanied him on the job one time and found both the lady and man of the house to be rather stand-offish and, especially in the case of the husband, a bit condescending.

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    1. We can only speculate what the dynamics might be there, I guess.

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  8. I think overall, it's best to keep business relationships at a professional level. Often, if the relationships become more of a friendship, the door is open to things becoming more casual, and expectations change. Friends are more tolerant of friends being late, for example, so punctuality can become a casualty. And as one other commenter pointed out, the financial side can become awkward.

    If the business relationship turns into a friendship, then decide which you really want, and terminate the other.

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    1. Makes a lot of sense to avoid complications.

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  9. I have employed friends and you know what? I reflected on this after your post and the friendships were damaged. The structure changed and I was their "boss" with bossly demands, sometimes dealing with the jealousies of regular employees who resented the "specialness". Years later I realize that none of these friendships survived. Too convoluted a relationship.
    Interestingly enough a housekeeper/nanny I employed became really close to me even tho our views were widely diverse.
    Respect is the key. As in all things. Thanks for this thoughtful post.

    XO
    WWW

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    1. Interesting to read of your experience and the effects you perceive in retrospect — even reactions of other employees. Causes me to think about a family member who experienced complications with employers promoting the idea all should work like they were family, but clearly didn’t receivey even basic benefits other actual family members were allowed though non-actual-family had contributed equally, sometimes even more. Over time the realization they weren’t rewarded for “family” work dedication soured thei attitudes.

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  10. I don't think I've ever had any service providers as friends. I'm not against such friendships, they've just never happened.

    As for civil discussions, I take the same line as you, happily exchanging very different views with other people - and maybe even changing my own views as a result - rather than looking for an echo chamber.

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    1. Some businesses lend themselves more to opportunities for lengthy and even more intimate interaction than others. I think developing such friendships are likely the exception.

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  11. Dealing with other people is an art … not for the faint hearted. I applaud those who do it well. Now that I am in my octogenarian years I care less about what others think and try to be true to my own beliefs.

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    1. Seems to be a more prevalent attitude with many of us older folks.

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  12. I haven't tried being close friends with someone who worked for me or who was a service provider; but, my elder brother became friends with his auto mechanic shop owner. My brother now considers the man his buddy and the man's children and grandchildren to be his family. He plans much of his estate to go to the son and daughter-in-law of the buddy who are like his (brother's) children to him. That son will be his executor while the daughter of his (brother's) buddy has his health care power of attorney. I should mention that my brother and his late wife had no children of their own and live over 500 miles from me, so I am highly supportive of it all.
    Cop Car

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    1. One of my aunts who had no children, spouse plus other in laws had died, lived in rural area all her life and lived across country from me, established such a close relationship with life long neighbors — left her farm to them as they had likely looked after one another.

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  13. What I miss most is being able to have civil conversations about politics. I wonder if we'll ever get that back again.

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    1. What amazes me is how many people seem to have become uncivil, seemingly because of the model our leader presents and so many of the fake comments deliberately generated by those wanting to destroy our democratic /government on social media (which our leader nourishes) — simply to generate the hate and vitriol. Even much of the violence is caused by “others” as the two main political groups blame each other.

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  14. I have personal experience of having been a caregiver as well as an employer of nursing care provider. The two offer vastly different perspectives about the care
    giving part itself while offering some insights into the latter relationships. Combining this with my days of active employment, I can honelstly say that the old maxim, "Do not do business with friends but, make friends with those you do business with."

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