FATHER'S DAY I celebrate in tribute to my son, to my husband's memory, and to all those fathers who are uniquely special in the lives of their family.
SMILE -- Steven Tyler sings to his father; Chris Botti on trumpet, for your viewing at this link: https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=992496770834556
(That emotionally moving singular performance was originally slated to be embedded here but then became unavailable for use in that manner.)
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JEAN
I'm not much in the mood for writing since I've learned what I really didn't want to know when I finally mustered the courage to conduct an internet search of a friend's name. The closest of my undergraduate college friends with whom we've kept in contact with each other all these years has died.
Jean has been writing she wanted to talk with me but preferred to call, so I waited for her to write a message advising that she was feeling up to talking and when she would phone. Her last email message to me included her saying she felt "like a slug." Now, I've discovered that two weeks later she died.
In the days before the internet, I might never have known about the death of some friends since family doesn't always make contact to convey that information. Most close friends long term have lived many miles distant from me for most of our years during our adult lives. Seldom, if ever, did we even see each other and in most instances hadn't even met each other's now adult children.
This close adult life-long friend, Jean, is the third in the past decade I've learned has died but only after I finally searched their name on the internet. I was hesitant about checking for the second person a few years later after that first loss experience. Though a letter and phone calls had elicited no response, I delayed further internet checking before finally searching only to once more find the result that I didn't want.
So, on this third occasion I finally acquired the courage to search a name once again on the internet. The screen instantly appeared and there Jean was, smiling directly at me, her face and name next to a column titled "Obituary".
I'm so glad I took a side trip stop-over to visit her and her husband as she urged I do on my flight home from visiting with my family several years ago. I wish now I had stayed longer. We could have enjoyed so much more time together. Now, there are only the memories. So much I could write, but as I said in the beginning, right now I just can't bring myself to immerse deeper into sorrow's moody pool. I will miss her!
In the decade before this current one when my friends' deaths began becoming more prevalent, some adult children never contacted me then, either, about their parent's death. One did, but not until a daughter wrote a year later, and another when a son wrote several months later.
One husband phoned me across the continent quite soon after his wife's death, then broke down on the phone and it was all I could do to emotionally keep it together as I felt I must for him. Days later the adult daughter called and after determinedly thinking I must keep my emotions under control for her, I could not.
I don't know why with other friends who died I never heard from family, especially in one specific instance. But I can appreciate simple contact delays as I guess there's really no longer any rush for any reason.
I know from my own experience there can be complications after a loved one dies, plus family members personal lives may have extra-demands, too. There's usually a rush of attention, followed by diminishing concern at some future point in time directed at the deceased's immediate family. Then that all ends and the remaining significant family member is truly alone.
All the grieving, adapting, coping can be overwhelming, giving way to the never-ending sense of loss for family and some friends. On reflection, after my husband's unexpected sudden death, I have been aware of not handling some matters in the manner which I intended or did so only part-way from what I expected to do.
Age differences between friends seem to matter little, especially since I've been older. I often think of one older-than-me long gone friend who wrote me once, "There are no friends like old friends." New friends, not always easily acquired when we're older, but who can become dear, rarely have the depth the history of time with shared life experiences and changes provides.
I note also, when an older friend dies there can be a different way of thinking about losing them than when a younger-than-me person departs. The older person is often said to have had a long life versus the younger one said to have died too young. When someone my same age dies, as was Jean, the loss resonates in a uniquely personal identification way.
I've written here before that I've found one of the most difficult aspects of ageing is the longer I live the more friends and family die before me, the fewer who remain living. My old friends and family once quite expansive in number are now down to less than I can count on one hand for the former, two hands for the latter. Memories can be cherished though they're not as rich as future personal interactions. No matter how many of those for whom I care deeply depart this earth, incorporating their loss into my life never becomes easier.
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"Donald Trump and his supporters are a clear and present danger to democracy."
Judge Luttig quote from the third House Hearing held on June 16, 2022.
I can relate to your reminiscences of Ann. In fact, I have blogged about one friend who did not respond to my WhatsApp message and I later found that he had expired. That is not the only instance and as you point out, the longer I live the more I am getting news of contemporaries within and from without the family leaving us. Part of life.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear you, too, had the experience of learning a friend died in a manner similar to what I've experienced. Please add your first name or blog name so I'll know who the Anon. commenters is.
DeleteSorry Blogger has made it so difficult for readers to comment as that's important. It's important, too, to have that link to a commenters blog when they do comment. This downgrading of Blogger's service is enough to make me consider moving my blog to a different provider.
My fault Joared. I apologise. Shall be more attentive in future.
DeleteNone of my friends has died in recent years so I am grateful. So sorry for your loss. Gigi hawaii
ReplyDeleteGlad you haven't had the experience of friends dying in recent years.
DeleteSorry about your friend's passing. I've had to google a few long-distance friends, too, to learn that they died.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the hearing schedule. Unfortunately, the people who need to see them the most probably aren't watching.
Sorry how you've had to learn about friends dying. I, too, am concerned that some of those most needing to see and hear the facts about Jan. 6 are keeping their heads buried in the sand.
DeleteI am so sorry you lost such a dear friend. I too know that dreaded feeling when you Google a friend's name to have "Obituary" accompany their name. You are so right. It is a heavy price we pay for long life to keep losing loved ones.
ReplyDeleteRegret you, too, have had this experience of learning of a friend's death in what I consider "the hard way".
DeleteIt's so difficult to learn of the death of a distant friend. There's a strange sort of loss that feels surreal. It's hard to grieve fully or even know how to process this sort of loss. I've experienced this as well, so I understand. I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteIt's better than not knowing.
DeleteVery sorry about the way you had to find out about your friend's passing. My father's (aged 93) main topic these days is the never ending obituaries he receives.
ReplyDeleteOne of my closest and longest friends is a survivor of a complicated bone marrow transplant. She was initially told to accept a maximum of ten years life expectancy and is this year celebrating 20 years. I have learned so much from her, including making lists for her family on all sorts of tasks, such as one of people who should be informed on her death when it happens.
The longer we live the more friends who seem to go before us. Wonderful your friend's longevity has exceeded what had been predicted -- a reality worth remembering that can occur for others, too. The list idea sounds like a good one.
DeleteSorry to hear about the recent death of your old friend Jean and the circumstances under which you learned of her death. I have a few long-time friends like Jean, one of whom I've known since we were in high school. We talked on the phone just yesterday. We haven't seen each other since she left California for New York State and I left California for Washington State in the mid-1970s, but we have stayed in touch all these years. It is occurring to me that her sons or granddaughter probably would not contact me at the time of her death. Her mother lived to be in her 90s and so it is possible that I will die before she does.
ReplyDeleteI will do what Sabine has suggested regarding making a list of people to notify after my death. I had already written down my blog information and placed it with my will.
Two of my oldest friends, one from junior high school and one from college, died in the past few years. The first one's husband wrote me a letter, and the second one's sister called me, I am grateful to them for that. Both deaths were a shock to me, both unexpected.
Yes. Trump is a clear and present danger.
Sounds like you've made good plans for those who would want to know to learn about your death when it occurs.
DeleteIt must be very upsetting to find that an old friend has died, especially as you say when more and more old friends are falling by the wayside. I don't have any "words of wisdom" but I hope you can find ways of adjusting to so many losses.
ReplyDeleteThese losses seem unreal at times though I know that's inevitable for all of us sooner or later. Still, there is an adjustment when death becomes a reality. I think it would become much more difficult if we lived in the same community and saw each other regularly, so on some level we have been apart for years but this is now permanent.
DeleteCondolences on the passing of your friend.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
DeleteTo find out about the passing of a dear friend via a google search must be truly difficult. I had a slightly similar experience in that I looked up a second cousin here in town once I moved back and found his online obit instead of an address. It was a bit of a blow in that he was still relatively young when he died.
ReplyDeleteMy condolences to you. x
Your experience would have been an unexpected shock. So sorry for you.
Delete